Here it is, the other side. The other side of traveling, of quitting a “safety net” job, of no income for over two months.
While I was in Budapest, I had a panic attack. It was the only one I had on the trip and I haven’t had one since. Leading up to the attack, I kept wondering when “it” would happen. If I would be in public, what would trigger the attack, if I would continue having them throughout the whole trip. Thankfully, I had only one panic attack for the whole entire trip and after, it was as if my mind and body had completed the detox. Being cleansed of a semi-toxic environment and in a space of pure enjoyment.
And now, I’m back. I’ve moved across the country for a second time and I’m trying to find a job. Although the panic hasn’t returned, it is whispering at the edges of my mind, trying to regain control. Part of me is expecting it to come back, swinging hard. The fact of the matter is that I’ve remembered what it’s like to not live in a state of expectant terror, waiting for the next panic attack. I’ve created a mindset that allows me to live without fear. I’ve been able to learn how to better balance what I know logically and how I feel, emotionally. I’ve learned that it’s ok to be both logical and emotional and it’s possible to be both in the same exact moment.